


The Banana Incident Of 1999

by StillTryingToFly



Series: How Four and Seven Learn To Love Themselves And Stop The Apocalypse [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kid Fic, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sort of? - Freeform, The Hargreeves are all assholes, all these kids need a hug, angsty fluff, takes place before they had names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 15:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21076916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillTryingToFly/pseuds/StillTryingToFly
Summary: “But I’m--I’m just ordinary, how could I be dangerous?”Ben gave an involuntary snort at that blatant lie. Ben had been given a front row seat to the Banana Incident of 1999, okay? Vanya had been plenty dangerous even when she had been “just ordinary”.Like most things that went horribly wrong in the Umbrella Academy it wasn’t the actions of one single person that caused everything to go to hell in a hand-basket; it was a group effort. But The Banana Incident of 1999 did start, as many disasters did, with Four.





	The Banana Incident Of 1999

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Angel of Music](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213944) by [StillTryingToFly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillTryingToFly/pseuds/StillTryingToFly). 

> This fic came about because of a line from my fic Angel of Music, where Ben has an offhand thought about their childhood and thinks about “The Banana Incident of 1999”. I got a few comments wanting to know what it was and I just thought, me too.  
So this is technically set in the same universe as my series How Four and Seven Learn to Love Themselves and Stop the Apocalypse as well as my other fic A Place We Could Escape To. You do not need to have read those to understand this fic. It's just a short piece about the time honored tradition of pranks on your siblings getting out of hand. Enjoy.

Like most things that went horribly wrong in the Umbrella Academy it wasn’t the actions of one single person that caused everything to go to hell in a handbasket; it was a group effort. But The Banana Incident of 1999 did start, as many disasters did, with Four.

Four had managed to get his hands on an old comic and was giggling like a lunatic at the presented scenario of a man slipping on a banana peel and going flying through a window. This was of course far too hilarious for Four to keep to himself but the question was who should he show this to first? Mom wouldn’t get it, One and Two had no sense of humor, Three was always with One, and Five, Six and Seven were all currently studying in the library. Five was always grouchy when he was interrupted and Seven never showed the appropriate level of enthusiasm for anything in Four’s opinion, so that left only one person; Four all but ran to the library to show Six the comic.

Five and Seven were sitting in the overstuffed red armchairs near the door when Four burst in. Five didn’t move from where his chin was resting on his palm, but Seven startled and looked up at him with wide eyes as he made his way over to the table where Six was hunched over.

“What do you want Four?” Six asked in a beleaguered tone as Four shoved the comic too close to his face to actually read.

“Look,” Four crowed while brandishing the paper so vigorously that it was impossible for Six to actually look at it. “It’s funny; look at it!”

Five, apparently irritated by the disruption, Jumped next to Six’s chair and snatched the paper out of Four’s grasp and shook it out to get a look at it.

“What are you babbling about now, Four?”

The comic had been ripped for a larger section of newsprint that Four had fished out of the kitchen garbage and was three panels long, detailing a distracted man hurrying along, slipping on a banana peel, and flying through a glass window. It was cliche and predictable and wouldn’t have been noteworthy to anyone had lived a life less removed from society that the Hargreeves children had.

As it was, they did laugh. Not hard, not rolling on the floor, or as maniacally as Four had done earlier, but they laughed. Five and Six both gave soft chuckles and even Seven cracked a smile looking over Five’s shoulder at the comic. Later they showed it to One, Two and Three, after dinner during their free time, and even One admitted the idea of slipping on a banana peel was amusing.

What happened next would be hotly disputed for the next ten years every time it was brought up until eventually the subject itself was banned, not only from the breakfast table but also every corner of the Umbrella Academy. Everyone involved would claim it was someone else who started the argument, but in fact it was Two who originally voiced doubt that someone could actually slip on a banana peel.

The resulting argument culminated in One and Two wrestling in a corner with Four cheering them on, Six sitting in a corner with his hands over his ears and Seven telling Three that Three was wrong because she wasn’t as smart as Five, Three Rumoring Seven to bite her own tongue and Five tackling Three, covering her mouth with his palm, and pulling her hair till she screamed.

Fights between children, especially children with powers are to be expected, and Reginald Hargreeves doesn’t trouble himself with the petty squabbles of children he didn’t even bother to name, so they are left to Grace who separates them and tells Three to undo her Rumor on Seven.

With one last nasty look at Three, Five Jumped to where Seven was checking her tongue for blood and trying not to cry.

Three, her scalp still smarting from Five’s ministrations, glared at Seven.

“As if you’d be able to do any damage with a banana anyway; you’re just ordinary,” Three spat with a curl of her lip and before anyone else can speak she is stomping off towards her room with One on her heels.

Six frowned at her back; it was true that Seven didn’t have powers like the rest of them but that wasn’t the nicest way to say it. He turned back to her to say something about ignoring Three when she was like this and was started by the look of absolute loathing he saw on Seven’s face.

* * *

Two weeks later Reginald Hargreeves leaves for a conference in Europe for the next eight days. This is met with the same quiet excitement and anticipation his absence always inspires except for Seven who just looks pensive.

Three days later just before dawn Seven shakes Six awake with a small smile pulling at her lips. It is not her usual smile, in fact it makes her look more like Five than herself and Six has a swooping feeling in his gut that things are about to turn ugly. This concern is not eased when Seven disables his alarm clock and hands him a pair of noise canceling earplugs and tells him if he wants to see the show he’ll have to hurry.

The hallway is empty except for Five who is bleary-eyed and clutching his own pair of earplugs with a bewildered expression on his face.

“Seven, what’s going on?”

Seven just put her finger to her lips and consulted a small wristwatch that she pulled from the breast pocket of her pajamas and faced towards the end of the hallway where One and Three’s rooms were.

Less than thirty seconds later the alarms in One, Two, Three, and Four’s rooms went off with a trilling ring, and there was the usual muffled grumbling and shuffling of children waking far earlier than they wanted to and Six was starting to wonder exactly what Seven had planned when there was a high pitched shriek and a thud that comes from Three’s closed door.

“SEVEN!”

Seven immediately burst out laughing and Six looked from her to Five who had a look of dawning comprehension on his face.

Four and Two both poke tousled head out of their rooms and One is out of his room and reaching for Three’s door when it opens with so much force that it bounces off the wall, and Three is standing there with a thunderous look on her face.

Seven starts laughing even harder and it takes Six only a moment to realize why; not only has Three’s bed has been completely surrounded by banana peels (no doubt the cause of her slip and fall fifteen seconds ago) but her entire room has been bananafied. There are bananas stuck to the walls and covering all the available flat surfaces, there are bunches of bananas hanging from fishing line from the ceiling like tropical fruit wind chimes, there are even (though no one but Seven knows yet) bananas in the pockets of Three’s bathrobe and winter coat.

Six bursts out laughing, slapping a hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop the giggles. He’s the only one even attempting to restrain himself: Five is laughing so hard he has bent over double and put a hand on the wall to keep upright and Four who had left his room to get a better look is now rolling around on the floor. Even Two, who tries to be serious all the time is laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. Only One is frowning but Six has decided not to count him today.

“This isn’t funny!” Three shrieks, stamping her foot when nobody stops laughing.

“Come one guys,” One stays, laying a comforting hand on Three’s shoulder, which she immediately shrugs off.

“I heard a Rumor,” Three starts to say glaring down the hallway at Seven, and Six feels the laughter die in his throat. He hates being Rumored, hates the fuzzy only half there feeling it leaves until the Rumor stops, and Six has a feeling this is going to be a particularly unpleasant Rumor.

Seven, obviously ready for this, whipped out her earplugs and jammed them in her ears.

“I guess it is possible to slip on a banana peel!” Seven shouted once she had her earplugs in.

Three gave a wordless scream of fury before she shouted back.

“I’m telling Dad!”

“Telling him what?” Five called back from his spot on the wall. “That Seven managed to booby trap your bed and decorate your room with bananas by herself and you didn’t wake up or even notice? Yeah, that’ll go over well,” Five said with a roll of his eyes as everyone else grimaced.

Three gave them one last hateful look before she slammed her door shut. Six couldn’t be sure but he thought he heard her open her window and begin to toss out all the offending fruit.

After that it was an all out fruit war. One tried to put his foot down but no one, not even Three was listening, and no one was safe.

Honestly Six was kind of impressed that Three had managed to replace Five’s chalk and Seven’s hair clips with bananas, but even more impressed that she managed to fill Two’s holsters with bananas while he wasn’t looking, and exchange Six’s bookmarks for banana peels wrapped in cling film.

The final offensive came three days into the fighting, when someone (Six and Seven) replaced Three’s shampoo with mashed bananas.

It took mom an hour to calm Three down and get the sticky fruit out of her hair and afterwards she tracked down every single banana in the building and threw them out. When Reginald Hargreeves returned he was told that unfortunately all of the children had adverse reactions to bananas and that they simply wouldn’t be able to keep them in the house anymore.

It wasn’t until The Banana Incident of 1999 was long over and banned from conversation that Six thought to wonder just where on earth had Seven gotten so many bananas.

**Author's Note:**

> As always please comment and tell me what you thought; you all were the ones who asked for this after all :)


End file.
